From One to Two

I consider myself a very adaptable person; someone who’s gone through and embraced a lot of changes in life. I moved around quite a bit growing up and even in my adult years to places where I knew no one and I think those experiences shaped me into the flexible person I am today. One thing that’s always been constant though is my independent/loner streak. I need and love to be social, but I also need a significant amount of alone/quiet time, probably more than the average person. Being an only child, I grew up learning how to entertain myself and be by myself. I had some roommates in college and truly loved the experience but ever since then, I’ve lived alone and have been spoiled by copious amounts of freedom and personal space. I never really thought I’d live with anyone again except my future husband, that is until a few days ago…

But let me back up.

My good friend from grad school, Cherry-O, lives in Oregon but is now moving back to the south. I’ve been helping her look for apartments since she won’t be back here until the end of the month and wanted a place already lined up if at all possible. We threw around the idea of living together to save on rent (and also cuz it’d be fun) but I don’t think that either of us ever took it seriously. We’ve both lived alone for a long time and enjoyed it too much. Ah, the freedom.

However, the topic of living together started coming up more and more so I went and looked at some 2 BRs for us. We started to seriously entertain the idea  and I allowed myself to truly envision it and even became excited at the prospect. But it became clear it wasn’t going to work out after I found out that my current lease would be too expensive to break. I was partially disappointed but partially (or largely) relieved. The freedom would continue.

I realize that I make having a roommate seem like prison, but since I’m an only-child who’s lived alone almost her entire life, I hope you’ll understand.

The day after we scrapped the living together idea, I went and looked at a 1 BR for her. The landlady seemed hesitant to rent it to Cherry-O because Cherry-O wouldn’t be back until the end of the month and the she wanted someone to occupy the place right away. As I continued talking to the her, trying to make my good friend Cherry-O seem very attractive as a tenant, she mentioned that she had another place for rent, a 2 BR… and it was renting for a very attractive price. I’d be saving over $6,000/year if I lived there. That’s basically half of what I pay in rent right now.

I decided to go take a look at it and from that point on, the rest of the day was a blur. I remember looking at the place, liking it, loving the price, and calling Cherry-O to tell her about my findings. A few hours later, I drove back there to give the landlady the deposit. (The decision was rushed because the people who saw it after me intended on taking it and were gonna give the landlady the deposit on the spot. Cherry-O and I didn’t want to lose the place so we felt somewhat pressured to just take it.) I woke up that morning not even considering the idea of having a roommate anymore to dropping off a deposit check equal to one month’s rent. It literally felt like part of me went into shock after I dropped off the check. Just like that, my freedom was gone…

I’m scared. Scared of the unknown. Scared of losing my freedom and my own bathroom. But deep down, I think I’m really excited. Excited to have a roommate. Excited to do roommate-y things. I think we’ll be a good influence on each other. And if I didn’t think that I could live with someone like Cherry-O, I would have never even considered in the first place. So here’s to a new adventure!

The timing of the move isn’t so great though with everything else that’s going on right now. I’m actually more stressed now than I’ve been in months or maybe even years because of everything that has to get done. It’s a different kind of stress than relationship stress but just as burdensome somehow. All that will be in my next post.

Why I Have Trouble Writing

Everyday, I think to myself, “Oh, this would be a great topic to blog about” or “I really want to share what just happened on my blog.” Yet, most days, I just don’t do it. Here’s why.

I have a really hard time transposing my thoughts into words. Believe me, I have a lot of thoughts; I just don’t know how to really convey them into an interesting and readable blog post sometimes. While I always thought that being a writer would be an awesome, awesome career, I couldn’t do it just for the fact that I have writer’s block 95% of the time. When I read some of my favorite blogs, I often wonder how the blogger can get their thoughts out so eloquently and so often.

Another problem I have is a fear of eating my own words. That is, I fear writing something or saying something out loud that I’ll later have to take back. Basically, I have a fear of sounding stupid and naive. That’s why I’ve always refrained from saying things like, “I know I’m gonna marry him” or “I can feel it, he’s the one!” Because guess what? A few months later he could be out the door and on the way to ex-ville. I also try to refrain from saying things like, “Deep down, I know we’re not meant to be together” or “My gut tells me that we’re through for good.” Because guess what? If we end up married with 2 kids, I’ll sound stupid. You know what I mean?

But I’ve come to a realization that it’s okay to eat your words. I shouldn’t let that fear prevent me from writing certain things because I don’t want to sound like an idiot down the line. The fear shouldn’t stop me from getting my thoughts out and conveying exactly how I feel at the moment. So from now on, I’m going to make a concerted effort to censor what I say a lot less. Who cares if what I believe turns out to be wrong? It’s only you, my blog reader, who reads/hears them right and you won’t judge me will you? ;)

I’m baaaacck!

I’ve neglected this blog for a few weeks now because things have been crazy with work and life. I also just got back from Sin City… man I love Vegas! I will have a meaty update coming soon.

Take A Chance And Don’t Ever Look Back

Happy Monday! Hope everyone had a great weekend.

After a pretty busy week at work last week and being out of town for the last 2 weekends, I really enjoyed sleeping in, relaxing at home, and staying in town this weekend. I’m a huge homebody so this was much needed.

On Saturday, a couple of my girlfriends from grad school and I met for lunch, manis/pedis, and shopping. This nail salon near my house is the BEST. It’s a little pricey in my opinion but they are very thorough. I decided to go with some crazier colors than normal (I usually only do light pinks, nudes, and the occasional darks) and ended up picking a grayish/purple for my nails and an electric-ish blue color for my toes. See below.

Saturday night, I met up with some guy friends from grad school and went out for a few drinks. It’s always fun catching up with them and hearing about dating/relationships from guys’ perspectives. I updated one of my closest guy friends on what happened with EH and also on the latest with The Scientist. It was good to hear his thoughts on those.

Does anyone watch The Bachelorette? I used to be a big fan of The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise but have been disenchanted by it the past few years because of all the things I’ve read, mostly on Reality Steve’s website. It’s not that I didn’t realize reality TV wasn’t as “real” as they’d want us to believe, but I didn’t realize the extent to which everything is edited and staged. Despite this, I tuned in for a few episodes this season and found myself really drawn to the final 2… Chris and Roberto.

In case you haven’t watched the finale yet and want to, I won’t mention the winner here but I really love Ali and X together. The entire finale was sappy as expected but I really enjoyed it. And as fake as I think the show is, I think their chemistry is as real is it gets. I believe they will be one of the few couples from the show to get married.

Watching happy love stories like this always reaffirms my belief in love and not settling for anything less than that magical, weak in the knees chemistry. Not settling for anything less than someone who “gets” me, someone who is my complement, someone who makes me want to be a better person. I know deep in my heart that he’s out there and when the time is right, we’ll meet. :)

It’s strange because I used to be extremely negative about love. Maybe it was a byproduct of having divorced parents or a byproduct of seeing so many of my friends’ failed relationships and heartache but I honestly didn’t believe true love existed, or maybe I just didn’t think it was in the cards for me. Yet with each of my passing relationships, I’ve somehow become less and less jaded. I now believe that anything’s possible especially when you least expect it and love will always surprise you in unexpected ways. I wonder what happened to me??

There are no guarantees in life and in love, but when I meet the right person, I know I’ll give it my all and come from a place of positivity and optimism. So if you think you’ve met the right person, take a chance and don’t ever look back.

It’s Not My Fault

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m horrible at confrontation. I can’t explain the feeling I get when I have to bring up a serious issue with someone, especially in person. I’d much rather do all my confrontations through email and I’ve more often than not done so. I guess no one really likes confrontation but me? I’m the biggest chicken ever when it comes to this stuff.

Because of this, no one will be surprised to hear that even though I knew there was absolutely no spark between EH and I from the moment I met him, I continued to “talk” to him for 2 more weeks after our first date and eventually agreed to a 2nd date with him. (Btw, this 2nd date lasted even longer than the first one, 4 hours to be exact!! And no, I wasn’t any more attracted to him than I was on our first date.) I told myself that I wanted to give him a fair shot, that chemistry and attraction sometimes grows, that we were so compatible in many other ways, that he was cute in his own way, yada yada yada. The truth was I just didn’t want to reject him or let him down because in my book, that’s basically the same as confronting someone. And the thought of it just churned my guts and gave me major anxiety. God, what’s wrong with me??

Sooo… I let things linger, all the while feeling guilty for leading him on and giving him false hope to some extent. I dreaded his calls and texts, but when I got on the phone with him, I still enjoyed our conversations and would often gab away. He was easy and fun to talk to. The only times I felt uncomfortable or awkward were when he made future-related comments, hinting at things he wanted us to do together. Cringe.

I thought about ignoring his calls and texts as the way to end things but couldn’t bring myself to do that. I know a lot of people use this method, aka the fade out method, but after talking to him for an hour every day up until that point, it just felt wrong, rude and cruel. Plus, I know I wouldn’t want to be treated that way. While I took longer and longer to return his calls and was careful not to say anything that would lead him on, I knew I wasn’t being clear enough. I knew I had to be honest and spell it out for him.

I had to man up.

After our lengthy 2nd date , I decided it was high time I dealt with this. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him over the phone, so I emailed him… through the eHarmony system since I didn’t have his personal email address. I told him that I really enjoyed talking to him and getting to know him but that I didn’t feel any chemistry between us and didn’t want to waste his time. After I sent it, I felt relieved but still held my breath for his reprimand/reaction. It’s been 2 days and luckily, I haven’t heard from him since.

As hard as it was, this was something I needed to learn how to do. Everyone I’ve ever gone on a date with in the past I ended up being in a long-ish relationship with. Therefore, this whole dating around thing is a new and pretty scary experience for me. The guilt I felt for rejecting EH was enormous. I need to learn that I’m not responsible for other people and that getting hurt or rejected is a part of the dating game. It’s not my fault I wasn’t attracted to him. It’s not my fault I didn’t want more.

Nonetheless, I hope the next person I date is my future husband so I don’t have to go through any more awkward and uncomfortable rejections. A girl can hope right?!

The Happiest Place on Earth

I just got back from Orlando and am suffering from vacation withdrawal again. I had such a great time at Harry Potter World and Magic Kingdom, despite the scorching heat and my sore, bruised feet. I really love Orlando and can’t wait for the day when I take my kids.

I have a lot to write about in the next post. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and avoiding things I know I need to do and it’s really stressing me out. I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me sometimes.

For now though, I’ll leave you with a picture of The Happiest Place on Earth.

Why Can’t I Have It All?

A week ago today, I had my first date with EH. Our conversations leading up to the date were great. I had a lot of fun talking to him and found it easy to tell him almost anything. I looked forward to our conversations every day and was excited every time I got a text or call from him. I found myself thinking about The Scientist less and less (also because he hadn’t really contacted me since our last meeting) and focusing more and more on EH. So this is what it’s like to have someone you can really talk to. This is what it’s like to have someone call you everyday. This is nice.

The day of the date went by pretty fast. I wasn’t too busy at work so I randomly left early to grab a drink with my coworker. I got home and had just enough time to freshen up and get ready before the date. I heard my phone go off and when I looked, it was a text message from none other than The Scientist. It’s as if he psychically knew that I was attempting to move on and was waving his hand briskly while saying, “Hey, don’t forget about ME!” Sheesh! I responded to him briefly but didn’t have any trouble pushing him aside in my thoughts. Tonight was all about EH.

EH and I arrived to the scene of our date, Dave & Buster’s, at around the same time. It was raining outside so I told him I’d just meet him inside of the entrance. I ran across the parking lot in the rain, feeling anxious and excited to finally meet him. I didn’t have much time to be nervous because a few seconds later, he came through the door.

And my heart sank.

I was not attracted to him at all. He had gained weight since the majority of profile pictures were taken. He was shorter than I expected. (I don’t know if it’s because I have a bad sense of height or if he fibbed on his profile. I would guess height would be the one thing guys lie most about.) So with the weight gain and the shortened height, his body did not look like what I imagined. His face did kinda look the same as in the pictures but that was about it. I was just not physically attracted and it was heartbreaking.

I hate to be superficial but attraction is so important, right? Lord knows the people I’ve dated in the past have not all been hot or good-looking by traditional standards, but I was still attracted to them. There was a chemistry, a je ne sais quois. With EH, there was nothing. To make matters worse, he seemed nervous around me, which kinda turned me off even more. Had I been attracted to him, I would have found that nervousness sweet and endearing. Sigh.

I still found him easy to talk to and our conversations flowed fairly well. Yet I had that horrible feeling because I knew I’d eventually have to let him down. I hate confrontation and am the type to avoid it at all costs so I keep my thoughts and emotions inside and usually fake it as not to hurt the other person or cause awkwardness. This is what I proceeded to do with EH. Although I wanted to leave the moment I got there, I stayed for a 3.5 hour date! We had dinner and then played games forever. He didn’t gauge the amount of credits he bought very well so they lasted a very looooong time.

I kept hoping for something to change. I hoped that as the night went on, I would begin to find him cute in his own way and start to see that we did have some of that chemistry that’s so important in a relationship. Instead, what happened was I started thinking about The Scientist more and more. I found myself missing our easy chemistry and strong attraction. I missed everything about him yet deep down, I still knew that a very important element was missing in our relationship. An element just as or probably even more important than chemistry…. communication.

A good relationship needs both physically and mental attraction/chemistry. The Scientist and I are golden on the first front, while EH and I have made a lot of headway on the second front. But why can’t I find someone who I’m great with on both fronts? I see other couples who have it all so why is it so hard for me to have it all?

Touch

I’m a little late on my update post but they’ll be one in the next day or so.

For now, here’s one of my favorite songs at the moment. The message is really uplifting and hearing this song always puts me in a good mood. It’s basically about how everything’s connected and certain things are meant to happen in order for the end result to occur. :)

“Every choice we make and every road we take, every interaction, starts a chain reaction. We’re both affected when we least expect it. And when touched, it all connected.”

50 First Dates… Or Just 1

I have a date Wednesday night! It’s been a long time since I’ve gone on a first date – over 2.5 years – and the last first date I had was with The Scientist. Surprisingly, I’m really looking forward to this. I’m a little nervous but mainly, I’m excited to meet this eHarmony guy, whom we’ll call EH for now until a better moniker comes up. Of course there’s a chance that I’ll be disappointed, that I’ll meet him and there will be no chemistry or attraction whatsoever, and I’m really hoping that doesn’t happen… but what will be will be.

Let me back up a bit and tell you how we got to this point.

We were first matched a little over a month ago and he was the 3rd person I responded to on eHarmony. I liked his profile but wasn’t sure we had that much in common. He seemed a lot more active and outdoorsy than me. We went through the guided communication stages where I saw that our “Must Haves” were pretty similar.

When we reached the email stage about 3 weeks ago, I still wasn’t enthusiastic about him but responded because I felt I should. However, as we continued emailing, I began to realize that he was a very interesting person. His emails contained substance and were lengthy, which I liked. I enjoyed reading them but again, still no feelings of excitement. When he asked if he could call me, I told him we should continue emailing for a bit more because I was a newbie to this online dating thing. After another week of emailing, I somewhat reluctantly gave him my number.

We’ve been talking on the phone for about a week now, every day, for average of about an hour, sometimes multiple times a day. I love his voice and the fact that he’s really easy and fun to talk to. I can definitely be Queen Awkward on the phone but EH makes it so easy. Our conversations flow well and there are minimal moments of awkwardness.

This is in stark contrast to my phone conversations with The Scientist, which were usually under 10 minutes long and filled with awkward silences sometimes (even after 2+ years of dating). Our longest phone conversation was probably 30 minutes. And we were in a long distance (1.5 hours) relationship. Sad, huh?

Anyway, EH asked me out on a date to Dave and Buster’s this Wednesday. He said we didn’t have to eat there and could eat at a nearby place if I preferred, but I have no problem with bar type food. I think his choice of venue is fun and I’m excited about an activity-based date. The only downside is that I can’t wear high-heels, which usually help give me confidence.

I’ll wait to write more about him and the qualities I like so much about him until after this date, in case things go south. Please keep your fingers crossed!

Nothing Has Changed

I’ve put off writing this post about my last meeting with The Scientist because part of me just doesn’t see the point anymore. Whatever happened that night doesn’t change anything. We are still in the same boat as before. Still the same two people plagued by the same issues and fears. Not much has really changed.

Here’s the main gist of what happened.

He texted me and said he would be in town that night and wanted to see me. He invited me out with his friends so I met up with him at a bar and then he and I came back to my place alone. He was extremely affectionate the entire night, alone and in front of his friends, always touching me, rubbing my back, massaging my shoulders, hugging me, and kissing me on my forehead. After some time at the bar, we came back to my place where we talked and did things we shouldn’t have done.

Earlier in the night, while we were standing in line to get into the bar, he asked me if I wanted to move to the city where he’s moving to. He brought it up again later in the night and said, “You could live in my house. We could get a dog. You could decorate the place.” The only thing I could think was, “Why the hell didn’t you ask me this 6 months ago?” All I had wanted back then was to have him bridge the gap, literally and figuratively, between us. We also talked about marriage and children and at one point during the marriage talk, I said that I would only live with someone once I was married. To this he responded, “Sign me up.”

We continued this conversation at various points throughout the night but I never really took it seriously and held back from saying or admitting too much. In hindsight, I wish I had said a lot more about what I really want and need in a relationship and asked him a lot more questions about what he really wants and where he sees our relationship going.

To be honest, I had high expectations for him after that meeting. I thought he had changed and become a more open and emotional person, someone who wanted to fight for me and show me how much he really wanted this to work. Someone who would make me a bigger part of their life, a bigger priority. Like a girl, I found myself envisioning our future together from our romantic engagement, to our small but lavish wedding, to our cute-as-a-button children. I imagined us living in a cozy one-story home with our sweet and lovable pitbull, where on the weekends, I would tend to the garden while he mowed the lawn. A simple life…

But since our meeting, he has already disappointed me. I have not heard from him once. I broke my own rule and texted him myself to say hi. His response was, “Hey, I was just thinking about you.” Really?? Because it doesn’t seem like it. Not at all.

It’s probably best this way though. I need to be brought back to the reality that we are best broken up. That there’s a reason why we’re broken up and that people don’t change that easily. Luckily, I have somewhat of a distraction from all of this right now… namely my eHarmony interest. Stay tuned for an update on that in the next post.